My sheets look like a crime scene.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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