Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
did i just pee glitter
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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