There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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