I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
