when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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