I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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