Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
