two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
