He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
