I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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