Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
