I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
