If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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