I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
