I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
