The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.