Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed