I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
