You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
