i already hear my dad disowning me
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
