I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
