I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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