just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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