Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
