she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
