Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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