I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You ate ashes out of my bong
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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