i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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