How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
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I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
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I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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