There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
