So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
