i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
