Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
