I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
