were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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