wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
babies were throwing up all over the place
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I touched a dick in church today
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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