Duck Duck Cougar?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
