porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
