Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
