I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
