It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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