I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Success! We fucked roommates!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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