Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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