I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.