this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
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At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
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The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.