There was a lot of him and a little penis
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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