His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
