Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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