im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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