Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
