i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
