Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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