Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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