i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
