I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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