Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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