the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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