Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
