He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
