I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
