Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
